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They come and go. Not necessarily believe all of them, but I still haven't found out who else should take the responsibility of these. They were generated in my brain. Observe them. No suppression, nor repetition. Observe them, and see how the body reacts. If my heart drops, I will not struggle to pull it up. Instead, I'll release it and let it sink to the bottom, slowly, following the gravity law. Water, too, comes to the edge. But I will neither pull it back, nor push it out. Otherwise, the usual consequences would be either too much loaded inside or too empty and weak to cope. Without the pressure of stopping its motion, it doesn't seem to feel fun leaking out. So they stop, naturally, like a child. I give them a hug, saying "good one". People said that this method is called meditation. It sounds good.

There are two paralelled lines of development, the time and the life. Both have their own paces. People usually feel better when their paces are comparable. Either faster or slower is one than the other, people will be over loaded. It is easy to observe when the life events run faster than the time. If one complains about it, usually the audience will understand and at least show sympathy. Unfortunately, when it happens to be the opposite, you have to take all the blame. Laziness may be the most common label people will give you. Of course, both situations seem to have quite a balance proportion along the way. So it happens, but only locally. Stages in one's life? What's the big deal? One simply has to go through it. If I can create, that's good. If not, walk away like everybody else. Mothers and fathers can bring kids to this world. Employees serve the social system and feed all human beings with food by arriving at work on time. I may also ask myself where my share is. Well, at least, I help to keep the trash bin filled with plans that didn't work. I asked myself whether I'm more like a technician. But technicians should be more precise and elegant in their skills than I am. I tried to believe what I'm working on, but found myself facing an uninterpretable reality. I design, but forget the reasons of doing so the next day. If you suggest me to delete them, I'll happily do it. Who cares any way? There is an expiry date for every product. All the tasks will be done one day and I'll walk away.

It is not about finding ways to be happy, because I've known them. It is just the aimlessness and worthlessness that contribute to the boredom of life. But what can I do? I start not remembering how time flies, and lost expectation for those big and great, even those fun. I started with ambition, but it doesn't matter any more. All these will be buried and I will disappear like a dust. I will have pain, but there will be no more than now. The inspired soul soared through the night. The inner mechanism talked in front of discouragement. Skills learnt from those consultants rewarded the face with smiles. In the end of the day, I still have myself.

I can do it. I will do it. Then I'm clean.