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It doesn’t matter any more. Illness teaches me to let go.

All the social principles, norms and schemas chased me way through to the corner. My fists held tightly, my body shock tensely, and my breaths ran fast. Firmly, my back was tied against the pillar of questions. All the struggles resulted in even deeper how the ropes had cut into my fresh. The questions have no doubt in their answers. They are well planned according to the social norms, what should happen in the next step. What they want is to say those answers loud from my mouth. Whatever dreams, desires, values and interests I’ve been fighting for, they don’t care. In a social schema, a person is simply a model without feelings, following all the steps they have set from birth to death then recycling in the next generation. If there is any personal feeling that these norms may have considered, it would have been happiness, paradoxically. They assume that as long as the person follows the path, he will be happy ever after. Or in another word, everybody else will be happy ever after. Those teachings are never for the sake of the model person per se any way. They dressed up everybody like a Barbie Doll, pretty but dead.

But I resisted. Then they pressed me even more fiercely.

I remember standing in front of a shelf of psychology books, and felt sick of them. Questions pressed their palms around and against my neck even when I was sleeping. I stared at the sea, and asked why life is so awfully boring.

Finally, I am sick, for more than a week.

I couldn’t do anything but keep running to the washroom and measuring my body temperature. The flu virus chased away all the pressures, leaving only pain with the empty mind. When I say empty, I don’t mean boredom. Feeling bored means one wants to do something but couldn’t, regardless of whether he is not allowed to do or he doesn’t know what to do. But for emptiness, there is no desire to do anything in the first place. How could one possibly feel bored if he intends to do nothing? Yes, it feels clean with this emptiness. There was only pain, but pain is not dusty.

Let go. Whatever it is. It does not matter any more. Whatever you want, I give. Then I let go.

Yes, I don’t care any more now.